Advice, n. the smallest current coin.

Bore, n. a person who talks when you wish him to listen.

Cynic, n. a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.

Edible, adj. good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.

Labour, n. one of the processes by which A acquires property for B.

Lawsuit, n. a machine which you go into as a pig and come out a sausage.

Marriage, n. a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.

Prejudice, n. a vagrant opinion without visible means of support.

Sayings of :

Woman would be more charming if one could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.

Self-denial is indulgence of a propensity to forego.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.

Give an Irishman lager for a month, and he’s a dead man. An Irishman is lined with copper, and the beer corrodes it. But whiskey polishes the copper and is the saving of him.

War talk by men who have been in a war is always interesting; whereas moon talk by a poet who has not been in the moon is likely to be dull.

Whoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, knows how deep a debt of gratitude we owe to Adam, the first great benefactor of our race. He brought death into the world.

The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime , if not asked to lend money.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.

Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.

To succeed in the world, we do everything we can to appear successful.

The love of justice in most men is simply the fear of suffering injustice.

Old people like to give good advice as solace for no longer being able to provide bad examples.

The mind is always the dupe of the heart.

Hypocrisy is the homage that vice pays to virtue.

Too great haste in paying off an obligation is a kind of ingratitude.

We frequently forgive those who bore us but cannot forgive those whom we bore.

We rarely find that people have good sense unless they agree with us.

One more drink and I’ll be under the host.

Why is it no one ever sent me yet
One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
Ah no, it’s always my luck to get
One perfect rose

I don’t care what is written about me so long as it isn’t true.

I’ve never been a millionaire but I just know I’d be darling at it.

If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,

A medley of extemporanea;

And love is a thing that can never go wrong;

And I am Marie of Romania.

Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses..

She runs the gamut of emotions from A toB (of Katherine Hepburn in a performance)